I'll be back (imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger voice)

And so it is... cancer is back. I knew it would be back, just didn't know when. So despite having a clear ct scan and good blood work it is back says the GI dr who did the scope. And just like the first time they knew it right off, no need to wait for the biopsy. It seems it is a little bit higher than the last tumor. I guess the radiation killed the one spot so it grew some where else. At least I got 3 years of remission.

The worst will be telling my kids, AGAIN, their mom has cancer. I will do my best to play it off as no big deal. I am glad I never told my kids I was cured and that mom was all better. It will make it easier I think than if I had said "I was all better", "I'm cured".  I think it will be less of a shock. I think for me too, since I knew and know how bad cancer is and I never let myself  go to la la land fairytale dreams. I am realistic. I haven't told them yet, that will be tomorrow. My plan is to have pizza waiting for them to eat after I tell them. I thought about a movie theater right after I tell them, but of course their dad said no, too much money to do that. I had just wanted them to have fun right after bad news.

The second worst is telling my best friend. I so hate having her go through this. I hate that I need her so much. I don't want to drain her. Life is hard enough she doesn't need this too.

I hate that I have to be even stronger than I have been. I barely survived mentally the last years, I can't imagine how I will be able to do it again without completely breaking down. I can't handle anymore, I don't want to handle anymore.

A tip for people, don't go on facebook and insinuate someone else has cancer, if the person who has cancer wants the world to know they would do it or tell you to post it all over facebook and if they didn't tell you could and you didn't ask, then don't do it.

**********************************************************************
The next few days........................
Are CRAZY! Took sleeping pills so I could sleep or my mind would not rest and I panic in the middle of the night when all is quiet.

Told the kids, the pizza worked! My daughter cried. I was strong. We went back to Gilda's Club (cancer group). It was great for the kids to have fun there.

I have a plan for now. At first and at other times I SO WISH I could just bury my head and pretend all is fine with me. Just like last time, how can I have cancer????? It makes no sense! When I feel "fine" except for the symptoms that I have are chemo and radiation related! And so being tired was my other sign. Crazy! Ok, the plan is to go see the local Onc Dr. to get his opinion and say good bye (insurance related). Call and get appt at Mayo Clinic in MN rated #1 in GI cancers!

What else is going on?  We are also set to move this weekend to a better and cheaper place to live. (planned before cancer came back) The kids will be changing schools too. So much for them to deal with on top of the cancer thing. I so just want to put cancer on hold till I move in and unpack and get settled. How long can I go before doing treatment? Will the cancer please not grow till I can get things done? Pretty please!

The bright spot is I have an awesome best friend and another great friend who is also a dr. A BIG plus who will go to the Mayo dr appt with me. They have given me so much relief in dealing with this.

Right now I only have to modes: 1- complete melt down mode or 2- research brain mode

This post was written in brain mode because I am sure there will be plenty of complete melt down posts.

Please pray for me and my kids.